We all know I date a lot and when I go on a date I hardly have any expectations. Well, I of course hope that we’ll have a fabulous time but besides I’m very open to the outcome. Especially as I am questioning monogamy I will always see what kind of connection a person can bring into my life – may it be friendship, sex, love or something completely different.
And hey, it was a bit of work to get to this quite chill approach towards dating because our social upbringing ingrained a certain set of assumptions and expectations in ourselves which is difficult to get rid of, especially when you don’t wanna buy in to the ubiquitous monogamous way of love.
Also these set of assumptions and expectations can hold people back from making amazing experiences and connecting with lovely people cause we only know one certain way to live a relationship.
But Aren’t You Gay?
Sometimes we see a person and we make assumptions about their life based on their looks or behaviour without even talking about it with them. And this is shit. Cause we don’t actually can’t draw any conclusions about their values, plans, wishes or sexuality from what we see.
One of my former play partners illustrated this problem very vividly:
He had a female friend who he was crushing but nothing ever happened cause he just thought she wasn’t interested. Years later she actually told him that she had a major crush on him as well but never acted on it cause she thought he wasn’t interested in women. Bummer, right?
What I learned from his story is being open about what I want without assuming something that’s not fact based. And you only get the real facts when you actually talk to the person. And sure, it might be scary but nothing is scarier than the unknown, right?
But I Can’t Get Involved With You!
Something I have to deal with quite regularly is fear. Not just my own fear but also the fear of people I date. And it must be said, it does not happen often that I like a person that much that I would consider a relationship with them but when it happens I’m always ready to give it a go – cause you should let love into your life if it’s knocking on your door, right?
But that’s me wanting to connect and to grow with people while enjoying their company. And on the other side stands a guy being completely terrified because he can’t get involved. Involved in what, I always wonder. Is it the relationship concept we grew up with which ultimately leads to marriage, house, kids till death do us part? Is it the fear of being the provider? Is it the fear of settling down? Of general disappointment?
Where the heck does all that fear come from? And why do so many people miss out on great experiences because of that fear, especially when they don’t know what the other person actually expects? And it’s completely alright if someone isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship but if it’s just irrational fear which is holding back you should consider questioning the relationship style you lived in the past and try something new that’s not going to freak you out.
Define Your Own Relationships
There is no universal way to do relationships. For me human connections in general are based on what the people involved want and need and if we’re able to give or miss out on these things. It’s a mixture of negotiations and dynamic and I certainly don’t wanna push anyone in a kind of relationship they aren’t comfortable with.
We are always going to grow by connecting with someone, by opening our hearts and minds, by exploring sex or kink or by just letting someone in to find out where your needs can be met.
I’d strongly appreciate if we in our society would start being able to love more, to give more, to take more, to talk more and to explore more to find the relationship style that really works for every single one of us rather than trying to fit in a certain model of love that in the end suffocates our sparks.